he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
