Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
