half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
