guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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