I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
