I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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