Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize