I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
