It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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