Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
