Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
