I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
