wat bout pragnant strippers??
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
