he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
