Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
