nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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