i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
