I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
