I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
