Barsexuality is the new black.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
i drank out of a bidet.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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