Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
