so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think your dad took our porno
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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