My sheets look like a crime scene.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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