i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
