Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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