Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
