but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
