Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
If its not for food we ain't going out.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
