Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
