party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
