So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
