honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
