This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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