Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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