Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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