it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I have so many feelings about this burrito
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