Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
