grandma shit on top of the toilet
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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