I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
