I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
