just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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