No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize