the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Girls should come with a carfax report
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
