wakey wakey hands off snakey
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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