Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
