I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize