Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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