so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
