for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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