he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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