i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
