Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
