Tell her she can't have a vagina
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
