sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
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