I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
