remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
