Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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