I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
