Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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